by Christopher Paul on July 17, 2005

A friend of mine broke a promise made to me a few months ago and now I’m a really bummed about it. The promise was important to me and, although my concerns about it were expressed many times, I was let down because my friend didn’t keep it. The promise didn’t have to be made but it was and now that it was broken, the trust in what my friend tells me will always be in question.

I can’t really go into what the promise was about but I can say it affected my pride and my self respect. If the promise was kept, I would have felt a great sense of pride in what the promise brang and my self respect would have been boosted a great deal as it would have helped reaffirm my belief in myself and what others believe about me. Instead, I will find it hard to be proud of myself. But worse, I will always question my worth to my friend and a lower worth to him makes me feel inadequate.

All this will affect my friendship with him a little and all this has made me question whether or not I really want to be involved with him. Not because he has done something so dramatic that I can never see or speak to him again… its not that. Its just that I can’t be enthusiastic about whatever I do with him or for him because I know that he didn’t come through for me. And I don’t know what to do about it.

I could simply not associate with him or anything related to this promise. But what was delivered in the promise’s wake isn’t necessarily a bad thing either – its just not what was promised. If I accept what was delivered, I still get something from my friend and I could enjoy it very much and yet I can’t help but think about the bad taste left in my mouth. I’m leaning towards the latter because something is better than nothing and although it still feels like nothing, I still have a friend in the end and something that I might have a lot of fun with.

I have some time to think about this and what to do about it. I don’t want to dwell on it though because I will focus on what I feel is a double cross and not on how good the alternatives are (even if they aren’t as great as they could have been). My mind is almost made up but my emotions are getting in the way of making that final decision. I’m sure that I’ll have it worked out but I will second guess myself every step of the way.

Sometimes I think I’m making a big deal about it and that there is still some good in what my friend did deliver on but I always seem to go back to what wasn’t given instead of what was. I can’t but feel a little negative about the whole thing. I don’t want that negativity to rule my future with my friend and I try to think of the bright side.

I still have faith that things in the long run will work out but I don’t know if that long term outcome involves my friend anymore. I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

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