by Christopher Paul on November 18, 2005

I’m in a rut and I don’t know how to get out of it. Its affecting my posting – not the number but the quality. I’ve got 3 or 4 draft posts that I just can’t seem to finish because I just can’t get myself to focus. Its also affecting my daily routines and even work. For me to get out of my rut, I need to spend some time alone. I’ll use the time to meditate, write, exercise, or just simply ponder about where I am, where am I going, and where do I really want be.

I don’t want to call how I’m feeling depression. I’ve been through that before in a very serious way and I know the warning signs; trust me, I’m no where near that. But I am feeling a little depressed. Those who know the difference between feeling depressed and depression will understand. The first is like the blues – but not as serious as the blues. One of these days I’ll explain the blues but in ranking sad feelings it goes something like this:


Its, by no means, a scientific ranking and I’m sure there is some “expert” out there who’ll call me way off base. He or she might even say I’m doing the truly depressed a disservice by saying what I have but the hell with them. They don’t know my story (yet).

Anyway, feeling depressed isn’t always a bad thing as long as one gets out of it. When someone can’t get out of it (usually because they are so depressed they don’t know they are depressed), that’s when its a bad thing. And while feeling depressed isn’t a picnic, it makes me think in ways I usually don’t. As a result, I ask some seriously existential questions and come up with rather existential answers to most of them with the other questions answered in some pragmatic – but not-so-compassionate way. Remind me to tell you what I think of religion or death one day and you’ll understand what I mean. Right now, I’m depressed. Not blue, and certainly not suffering from depression. I’m in a rut and have been in it for a long enough time to be depressed (about three or four days, now).

I’m sure I’ll get out of it soon, though. Since I did get over my serious depression years ago, I’ve been very good at being aware of my moods and conscious about how I manage my feelings. In the past, I’ve been able to identify that I am depressed (like I just did now) and realize that I have to monitor it so it doesn’t get worse. To make sure I don’t get worse, I also try to find out why I’m depressed. Right now, there are a few things that are getting me down so addressing them will not be easy. Furthermore, not all of them are under my direct control and it would be life altering to remedy them – something I am sure will make me more depressed in the long run.

What I need to do is meditate like I want. If I can get away for a day or two, I’ll be able to come to terms with what’s bothering me and work to resolve the conflict. After a good time alone, I’m sure I’ll come back with clear mind, rested body, and energetic spirit.

Now if I could find some time to spare…

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